Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
