Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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