so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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