Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
