so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
