Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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