and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
