i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
