her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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