Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
