I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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