I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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