my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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