Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
