I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize