Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
