can u get pink eye on your cock?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
