DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
