I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
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