I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
