so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
