we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just had sex on a roof
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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