Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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