bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
