So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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