Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
