Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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