yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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