Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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