wanna go halves on a baby?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
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