he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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