We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
