You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
