I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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