just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
