Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
