my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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