My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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