New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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