i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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