There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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