It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
