You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
