Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
