Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
