fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Pants are for mortals
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
