Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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