you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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