I never want to see another naked old woman again.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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