my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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