Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
