I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
