GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
