Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
