I'm really into asian looking animals
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Im part way to drunk.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
