Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
