I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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