I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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