just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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