I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
